![]() Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkelīut I made a a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest "If you need help, hang up and then dial your oooperator "If you need help, hang up and then dial your oooperator" "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again" So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagusĪnd I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrowsĪnd I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigationĪnd somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hookĪnd twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice "That snorkel's been just like a snorkel to me" So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel It's some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there's a knock on the door Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/CĪnd I'm just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow I crawled on my hands and knees for three full daysĭraggin' along my big leather suitcase and my garbage bagĪnd my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ballĪnd my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkelīut finally I arived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday InnĪnd you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna So I crawled from the twisted, burnin' wreckage Pepper and salted peanutsĪnd the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly ShoreĪnd, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned outĪnd we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillsideĪnd the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody diedĪnd my seat back in the full upright position You know, I'd never been on a real airplane beforeĮxcept that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odorĪnd the little kid in back of me kept throwin' up the whole time That's right, a first class one-way ticket to I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy's butt Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn't long at all before my dream came trueīecause the very next day, a local radio station had this contest Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day longĪnd anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel ![]() Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train,Īnd then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouthĪnd force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old I said "Hey, mom, what's with all the sauerkraut?" My mother would make me a big ol' bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast Well anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachyĮxcept, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning Way back when I was just a little bitty boy living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house half a block down the street from Jerry's Bait shop
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